June 24, 2014
With starting the works in my bedroom I found an old photo, one where you can see I was a heroin addict for years already, and looking at my eyes, I'm quite sure we were doing freebase- cocaine just before the photo was made. Obviously I needed it for a passport, otherwise it wouldn't be made at all, it's made in a photo booth.
My hair... that's how I know this wasn't at the end yet, when I came out of the house it was so long that it came until my pussy...
Maybe I should let it grow again anyway... at least it would hide my ears! More or less anyway...
My mouth... there is a photo of my grandmother mother's side as a young woman, she looks exactly like this, even the eyes are almost the same...
Oh, my god....
Think I must have been around 30... :-//
I send now, as a token of my very deep love...
And to ruin any possible last chances, I guess... :-p
I must send now, if I take time to think about it I'm sure I won't dare anymore...
Fuck... I will regret this in 10 seconds! But I will fall in a coma anyway, I think, working after a night of feverish memories...
Bye, dearest!
Oh... can you believe it, even looking like a zombie- skeleton like in that photo I still always had trouble with men... The dealer loved it and hated it at the same time, we had many fights, MANY. Always and everywhere I got a drooler over me. Even with him at my side, and he didn't look like a pussy! And his friends fell in love with me... And it was always my fault, of course.
Maybe, I don't know, it was always like that for me.
Sometimes, I'm sure. I even fell in love with one of them, too, once, another great guitar player... Never fucked him or anything but the dealer knew because we couldn't hide it, so intense.
But I didn't take any crap from him, never, so, many fights, hard against hard.
I found letters from jail from him, too, today. Holy Shit! Got one still in the house and more when I already lived here, and letters from when he was out again, too, he almost begged me to come back to him and wrote down how much he loved me and missed me, and our little family, the dog, too... He never flirted with any other women, by the way, never, that made him extra popular with them but he didn't care. I found it very hard not to respond, very hard. It was just an accidental break up, of course. And then one day he stood at the door here, I talked with him a bit at the door while my stepfather stood behind me to be on the safe side, he had black belt Jiu Jitsu by the way, he wasn't a softy either. :-)) Not that it was needed, I knew that in advance because he never ever hurt me or did anything bad to me, but he didn't.
He cried, he weeped, him, the rugged rocker with the wonderful raw singing voice, my heart was truly bleeding but I had to protect myself, I barely survived. Fantastic sex or not, I couldn't risk going back. And I had it good here, together with our dog. I cried very hard when I closed the door, though, and I still often think about the sex...
These last months I have so much detailed memories coming back, it's just horrible. As if suddenly more and more little brain cells are waking up, one thing leads to another and it just doesn't stop.
Not enough distraction maybe, I want to photograph, I need to photograph, urgently!
___
June 29, 2014
When I showed that photo to my boyfriend the other day and asked him how old he thought I was, he answered 19. When I started laughing and said it was wrong he asked me 'older or younger'???
Oh, I must have been 32!
As you could see on the photo, I stopped wearing heavy make- up, since about my nineteen, usually a bit of kohl, no more. The years before that I looked different every day, my hippie/indian clothes period was over, always new combinations with the special vintage/flea market outfits, and full make up, the works. Original style, of course... I knew how to do it from reading my mothers fancy fashion magazines. At school the other girls often asked me to touch up their make -up during the breaks. They wanted it a bit less flashy than mine, though... I had to take the bus to this town for school, and the bus was always completely full with girls in gray and dark blue uniforms from the fancy Catholic school here. They were always waiting for me to get on the bus and then, each day again, mouths fell open and they started giggling and some laughing and... secretly admiring me... haha...
No, it's true in some cases, not that I realised it at that time of course! On the contrary, I was insecure, very, but I didn't care anyway! I faked it until I felt it if I had to... each new day again.
My mother came with stories again today about how people still always tell her I was so beautiful, the fucking liars, and how they always admired me for how I was dressed and my personality and my guts. My nieces, girls that were in my school. One of them I asked to pose a while ago, she told my mother already she would like it and said she surely would, I'm still waiting. I admired her for her beauty and looked up to her in those days, she was in another class, one year higher, so weird to think it was the other way around, too! She is still beautiful... And still a bit a bitch, I'll keep the stories for when she comes to pose, IF it ever happens.
A nephew, he still 'admires' me whenever he can, I never wrote about him, yet another one. He was a bit too old to play with us much, but I always knew he loved me a lot by how he looked at me... Oh, his little brother, so yet another one than the ones I already wrote about, and who was too small for me to play with then, gave me a past- love confession twice, once on a wedding and once on a family- party not so many years ago... And started really hitting on me and he would surely have fucked me if I would have gone outside with him... haha... sweet little nephew...
I also started wearing clothes that I got from friends, male friends, their worn out jeans many sizes too big, kept it up with a big belt, and as you can see on the photo, even the leather jackets of my boyfriends, much too big. Things like that.
All this because sometimes I got really tired of all the attention, you know, always men hitting on me wherever I came, most of them really very unwanted, of course.
And I got raped twice already at 17.
But it never made a difference, not one bit...
I suppose the looks never had much to do with it, I don't know, it's probably more because I'm such a...
I don't know, just 'trouble' I guess...
One admirer I had forgotten about completely, until you sent that photo. You remind me of a friend of my father on that one, he made the copper and enamel box for my parents' wedding rings, so, a very old friend. He was an antique dealer and he had the best café in town for 25 years, weekend- café, he did that more as a hobby than really for making money. Always very good music, you could really dance whole night there without stopping, which I always did. Everybody who was 'alternative' went out there, young and older. They came from other towns especially for this café, too, it was a super cool joint. My father already took me there when I was still too young sometimes. Even before I asked to go out myself. When he wanted to do one of his annoying 'Problems, we have to have a serious talk'- things, for example, he always took me to a pub... And when I started going out it was there, too, of course.
And W, the boss, had the same fucking sexy hair like you, deadly, whatever you do, NEVER CUT OFF THAT HAIR, SAMSON... maybe a bit more curls, or bigger curls rather, and a very similar face, he was really very handsome and already in his sixties, too, he retired very shortly after this story. Many ladies fell for him, young and old, those looks, good body, blue eyes, always tanned, dark blond and gray curls, being the boss of the pub, being a good dj... There were always a couple of them hanging at the bar for him. But he never slept around, as far as I know anyway, he had a very beautiful MUCH younger wife, maybe that helped.
But, he was old and a friend of my father and so, taboo as well. I never looked at him that way even when he was always very sweet to me. And that was the only thing my father was ever clear about: his friends couldn't touch me. I had to tell him if one of them did that anyway, he said.
But as I became older I found him more and more charming, of course, and not in the least because I noticed how he was always secretly watching me when I was on the dancefloor, which was most of the time, or whenever. Even when my father was sitting at the bar on the other side, as usual.
Not that my father kept an eye on me... he was always too busy with his girls, he always got a lot of attention from young women and girls, always, even now still at 75... And I didn't care much, either, for the rest, I was busy with the first boyfriends those first years and ignored that my father was there, so what. I only needed him for the ride home, with his drunk ass...
Once, when I was still only fifteen, I was lying completely 'knock out' on the little stage in the pub from smoking a gigantic hasj water- pipe outside, I almost didn't make it back to the café... He saw me when he went to do a piss and signed to my boyfriend: 'que pasa'? He signed back: 'no problem'.
And that was it. I saw it happening, my mind was clear enough, I just couldn't move a millimeter or react in any way....
But soon as I was eighteen and came back in town after leaving the first boyfriend I lived with, it happened.
I was still in the pub when he closed up and the last one to go outside with him when he left and closed the door and he asked me if I wanted to drive to North Holland with him to go sailing the next day, the weather was going to be great. I hesitated, he was still my fathers friend, but it sounded too exciting to refuse. So that's what we did. I expected him to try something in the car already or at least as soon as we came on his boat, of course, but we just drank some rosé that he brought because it was my favourite drink in his pub. It was a good rosé, he went to France to go buy it himself at a vineyard every year. And we even almost didn't talk. We just sat on the deck and when I started shivering from the cold he gave me his sweater, came sit behind me and and held me to keep me warm, nothing more. We enjoyed the fresh air and looked at the stars, that's all.
Still, it was very intense, sometimes he whispered something in my ear so that I thought he would start kissing me in my neck, but he didn't. I thought he just didn't dare to do anything because of my father or because of his wife, or both, second thoughts.
And so I didn't make a move either although I enjoyed feeling his warm body and his big arms wrapped around me and his masculine smell really very much.
We went to sleep inside the boat, each on one side of the boat, after only a warm, long and wet kiss goodnight.
When I woke up he was already preparing the boat and we started sailing a bit later, not far, just to a nice quiet spot. It was a great day indeed and so we took off our clothes and went for a swim and we played in the water, too, quite innocent, just normal water fun, more or less, you know. Then we got on the deck for a sunbath and a little breakfast with more rosé. We just kept enjoying the day on the boat, nude in the sun, talking only a little bit now and then and he just looked at me all day long.
I kept thinking he would come at me any moment now, but it didn't happen.
But then, after another swim, it was getting evening already, I was on my back on the deck, still wet and tired from the swimming and the fooling around when he came sitting in front of me and started looking at me again, from top to toe and back, and again, and again. I almost went crazy of it, I was still the same insecure little girl! Looking and no sex, I wasn't used to that!
But then after a while he took my ankles and opened my legs a bit and started moving closer and over me on his hands and knees, one knee between my legs.
He had erections small and big most of the day, but I thought that now he was going to take me right away for sure because he couldn't take it anymore either.
But no... he kept it with caressing me and kissing me everywhere he could get. Just sweet little kisses, it seemed to take ages before he opened my legs even more and started licking my pussy out softly... and I was a bit embarrassed about it because I was soaking wet already. I already felt it coming outside me when he was kissing me... and when he put one finger inside it was really dripping out of me each time he moved it, I could feel it slowly running down to my ass and he started looking at it, and kept looking at it and I thought oh, no, here we go again... But I lost my embarrassment completely when he started fingering and licking me again. And the fuck, what can I say, when he put it inside of me the first time I almost melted inside, so horny... And he was like a volcano exploding, gentle as he was with the kisses and the caressing, he didn't hold back anymore now, and neither did I. It was one of not so many times in my life that I came purely from fucking.
I felt fantastic that night, and I looked... Very Wild, a tan and my hair wild from the salty water and the wind...
He took me to a restaurant in my too big jeans and shirt and all on the way home, he again in his traditional suit in which he worked whole night before the sailing, and then dropped me back in town.
I didn't go home, I was SO ready for a next victim.
I wonder how long he must have been waiting for this. He knew me since I was born. I doubt he ever told my father, and I didn't say anything either even when I lived with him at the time.
Only for two months! I had no home because I suddenly left the boyfriend, it was high time, I had to get out NOW.
Oh, years ago, when I just lived here and was out with my father and his other friend who always loved me a lot I mentioned that I went sailing with W once when we were talking about him and the café, nothing more. He was Very Surprised. ... !
But he didn't dare to ask more, I guess, nothing, not a word, sudden change of subject.
Even when I was 18 at the time, he wouldn't have liked it anyway, I bet.
It was the first time for me that a man took so long to look, to really intensely look at things...
Things I was still embarrassed about... Actually, come to think of it, it was the first time I had sex with a real man instead of a boy, too. And hey... Come to think of that as well, shortly after this I fell in love with the married man, he was in his thirties, 34 or something, that was a bad case, aahhh! LOVE at very first sight, from both sides. And soon after that the psychopath, he was also twelve years older, oh, and 1 day, also love at very first sight... Also from both sides...
Maybe.
I had to wait until the dealer, I think, before another man looked at me that way, so long and intensely, and in the case of the dealer: obsessed...
If I would happen to meet a man like that again, like the dealer, I mean, without the drugs then... the boyfriend could be out of luck.
Although... Maybe I will be shouting for a blind one in a couple of years... AAAHHHHH!!!!! !!!
I figured when these things were keeping me from doing anything useful anyway, I could as well write it down...
See you, darling, have fun! Oh, right, I started writing in this mail because actually I wanted to write more about the dealer, thinking about him a lot, too...
I am such a... you take your pick...
Warm XXX!
___
June 29, 2014
After I finished the mail and went to bed more of the details of the fuck came back to me. Took me a long time to fall asleep once more!
The two boyfriends I had before this were really tall and skinny guys, that was my type, and the couple of other guys I already fucked soon as I broke up with the boyfriend were all still pretty much boys, too.
First one only a couple of hours after I left the boyfriend, he didn't even know I was gone yet by that time. Had a thing with him for weeks, he was only about my age, but smart and handsome, a passionate writer and karate champion, strong in the bed... and twisted enough for my taste. His smile could melt me in an instant and he had this strong drive and passion, I loved that and never forgot about him. I don't know what happened. But I just broke loose, of course, and the escape 'party' was big, hard and long.
I suddenly left the first boyfriend, who was 2 years older than me, when he went out right after slapping me in the face for the very first time... Not that I didn't deserve it, maybe, but he slapped me for a wrong and ridiculous thing and became even harder on me after the rape, the one I did tell him about. And he was bad before that already, always trying to manipulate and control me and doing things to scare me or make me panic on purpose. Like holding me so tight stuck to a door, that I couldn't move, which made me claustrophobic.
One of the rapes, that one, was a different story, though, they were no youngsters anymore... Far from, but not 'old' either.
But so, even before the fuck I was impressed by his manly body, his smell, he wasn't tall at all, but he was build well, big chest, big arms and legs, firm guy, not chubby but surely not skinny either. Muscled, and, hairy...
Soon as we started fucking he started sweating more, and that with all the little chest and back hairs...
I loved his smell but all the wet hairs touching my body when he was on top of me and came close to me was pretty overwhelming, I found it creepy at first. The big body on top of me, the weight that I sometimes felt... His fucking that very soon became really very animalistic, and the deep sounds he made that became louder and louder until he gave this primal scream when he came in the silence on the water, it was all very impressive to me. At first I barely dare to put my hands on him/ his back, because of all the sweat and the wet little hairs.
But as the fuck became wilder, so did I, and soon I was pulling him against me and scratching his back with my long nails between the little hairs. I felt like I was fucking a beast, and in the open air like that, on the water, it was truly one of the most 'wild' experiences I ever had. I felt like a little wild animal myself. And as I wrote, that kept for at least the rest of that night...
Bye, my dearest, have a good sunday!
Big warm XXX!
