Animate...

                                                                         

Polarize me
Sensitize me
Criticize me
Civilize me
Compensate me
Animate me
Complicate me
Elevate me
Goddess in my garden
Sister in my soul
Angel in my armor
Actress in my role
Daughter of a demon lover
Empress of the hidden face
Priestess of the pagan mother
Ancient queen of inner space
Spirit in my psyche
Double in my role
Alter in my image
Struggle for control
Mistress of the dark unconscious
Mermaid of the lunar sea
Daughter of the great enchantress
Sister to the boy inside of me
My counterpart, my foolish heart
A man must learn to rule his tender part
A warming trend, a gentle friend
A man must build a fortress to defend
A secret face, a touch of grace
A man must learn to give a little space
A peaceful state, a submissive trait
A man must learn to gently dominate 

Rush: 'Animate' Click here to see the video.

July 19, 2014

The dealer looked like the singer from Rush, only much more hair and much longer hair, and he had the opposite voice. Oh, my god... I really want to write about him and his wasted talent one day, he was an incredible musician, truly. And about the wasted sex- talent, too, of course...

But that I'm listening to Rush now is my best friend's fault. It's one of the songs on which we did our crazy 'not making love' whole nights long in the old days... In his tiny little apartment, with his top quality amplifier and speakers, so loud that I'm amazed the neighbours never called the cops on us, getting high of and drowning in the music during the hours long caressing and kissing. We only fucked maybe three times in all those years. I told you once, I didn't want to give up my other lovers for him, like his best friend and his even more handsome and horny nephew... Because, as I always told him, he alone couldn't satisfy me, and then he always said he wanted a cute young blonde anyway. He still had a relation with the mother of his child at that time, too, by the way, she was much older than him and broke up with him one day because she found out he fucked another one, almost ten years before that, in the beginning of their relation. 

That's what I call 'principles'... ! Although the fact that he was pretty much useless to her and that she knew he was always hanging out with me probably didn't do it any good either... 

And, so, since we were no real couple, he actually didn't want to fuck me, even when we did everything else...

Last night at nine, phonecall, him: 'can I come to smoke a joint from you?' I could hardly understand him, I thought he was drunk but I said 'okay' because I could hear he was in a horrible state. Three minutes later he arrived and he was super silent, so I start talking a bit about the things that kept me busy lately, to break the silence, but he said it couldn't interest him, at all.

So, I said, tell me then, what has she done this time? His crazy girlfriend. And indeed, they had a fight again.

But he was in such a weird mood, deadly serious, totally sober, too, and he had tears in his eyes, so I ask him if he's still not used to her crazy moods then. No answer, I saw he just couldn't talk, which amazed me because he knows by now she always makes it up with him a couple of days later. Lately he doesn't cry about that anymore, he tells me about it and then he realises it will be okay again very soon and calms down.

But now he comes to lie on the couch with me, his upper body on my lap. And he grabs me, his arms around me, holding me so tight that I could hardly stand it, and he starts crying. I didn't know he was crying at first, he pushed his head between my breasts and later in my neck and he was breathing heavily and weirdly. I felt it would be better to let him for awhile because he was almost exploding with emotions. Only when he looked up at me much later I saw his tears. He then starts looking in my eyes with such an intense look that I couldn't take it and even tried to hide my face. He starts caressing me, breathing in my neck and ears and on my chest and breasts, he's so good at that, he makes you horny just by letting you feel and hear his hot breathing on your skin. 

Fuck, I'm becoming horny again just from thinking of it...

My breathing slowly became heavier and heavier as well, of course, and he kept going on with it, and I let him... He always uses just one fingertip or two fingers to make you crazy, he has so much patience with that, incredible, he goes on with it for hours, whole night long if you let him. Then holding my breast and taking it out of the bra so that it points up, and he starts licking it, and softly sucking and licking my nipple in such way that I start wriggling underneath him more and more and want to open my legs desperately, and while I do that it already feels as if my wet pussy is opening all by itself, and then he even tries to kiss me as well. 

At this point I was already melting completely, of course, melting and burning inside, not just from being so goddamned horny but  from 'scorching love', you know, romantic love, MUCH too Romantic. And so I tell him to get up, stop this terrible teasing now. After a while he reluctantly did that but only because I literally pushed him away first, and he went back to his own couch and we rolled and smoked one. We were both still shaking like idiots from all the emotions and laughed at ourselves, comparing our amount of shaking, both shy like adolescents. ...

Then I show him the photos of my last models in an attempt to 'change the subject' but he says he wants to see photos of me, the self portraits, he knows my second blog already so I tell him he has to look at that one then, which he did, and we talked a bit about them and then I start a completely different story and we talk some more but suddenly he pulls out his shirt and comes to lie on the couch with me again. Same thing, breathing his hot breath on me, caressing me, trying to kiss me. After some kissing, just with the lips, I couldn't resist anymore and started kissing him back and soon we were French kissing passionately, still everything in slow motion, though. And we kept doing this for hours, just like in the old days... Or like about a year ago, when we suddenly had a simultaneous hots for each other again... He came here several times to try to fuck me then but I refused each time with bleeding heart. I was still seeing the old guy, too, at that time... 

When he called I just started looking at some porn to masturbate with because I had it badly already, by the way, but I couldn't finish it because he arrived here so quickly. The hot weather doesn't help, at all... I was wearing my wide jazz- pants, no panties and so every time it touched my crotch there was another big wet spot on it, and I went even more crazy of that feeling and the thought. I knew it wouldn't take long anymore before it would go further than planned, I wanted to surrender to him badly already. His kissing was very convincing... he's a great kisser...  One of the best I ever tasted... 

He was still half on top of me, lying on my lap with his skinny hips for some time now and that started to become too uncomfortable, so I told him to get up, this is no good, let's quit it now that we still can.

That's what we did and he went to the bathroom. I looked at him in his shorts and naked upper body when he walked away from me, he was always a very skinny one and lately he lost some weight and is even much skinnier, but, my god, he is still so sexy with his super long legs and all... He's becoming old, too, his raven black hair becoming more and more thin and gray, his face becoming more 'serious' and wrinkled but it only makes him look more handsome and hot, so far. 
The thought that I didn't want to/couldn't fuck him was hurting me by now. 

He stayed away a long time, I rolled another stickie and sat on the couch again when he came back. 

He goes sit on the other couch, saying he has to go now, but...  And then he comes back to lie with me again, even when I object, and he even takes his pants off... Fuck, the small and tall body, the chest with the long black hairs, and now the small bony hips and the long legs with the black hairs, and his super sexy big feet with the long toes that stick out of the couch... the nail of one big toe polished red... so crazy, his girlfriend no doubt, but so fucking sexy... 
I could still bring it up to start protesting, though!

But he says, no, LOOK AT ME, his dick he meant, he had no erection. I am used to him being very serious, especially if he tries to seduce you, but the look that he gave me now, straight and deep in my eyes... It was spooky, unworldly, compelling, I felt it straight in my core.

Then again: 'LOOK AT ME. ... NOW KISS ME.' 

Even only these words, in his dialect which makes the 'me' sound super sexy, and the way he said it so seriously... I couldn't resist, I didn't want to resist anymore... 

So we start kissing again, just with the lips at first, and literally two seconds later his dick is standing up rock hard. That's what he wanted to show me...

Now you know, he said, this says it all.

He was still in this weird mood all the time, I still didn't know what to think of it, it was trippy, and it was heavy, and it was dark. And we were both so horny now that we started kissing again and he slowly goes further and further with his 'minimalistic' love making. He even starts playing with my soaking wet pussy now, 'tickling' me under my clit and teasing me with not really putting his finger inside me, and he keeps doing this until all my muscles were vibrating and shaking and I knew for sure I wouldn't resist anything anymore now. He kept that up a very long time and he now whispers in my ear that he wants to take me SO badly that he's almost ejaculating, while he kept playing with my pussy that I pushed up as far as I could now. And suddenly he pushes his long finger in me completely in one fast move while he wriggles it like it was a snake. I almost came from that and he repeated: I want to take you so badly, N, N, so badly...

So I tell him to do it then, thinking what the hell, this one step further doesn't make a difference anymore now... 

Then he says he can't, he will regret this tomorrow... You should know, when this started I told him, you better stop this, if your girlfriend finds out about this... 

But he just said she wouldn't know it. But I know him, of course, for him, fucking is a different thing, he can't live with that as long as he is in love with his girlfriend, he's a romantic, a hypocritical one, but still.

I was a bit pissed off, of course, and I asked him if he just wanted to know if I would allow it.
And I said: now you know, too.

I pushed him away after a while and he just sat there and suddenly it came out, tears again, his favourite uncle died unexpectedly some hours before, hence the dark and fatalistic mood... 

He went home a bit later, in the hallway we kissed goodbye, and kissed more, and more still, until he said: N, I'm going to take you anyway in a minute, I swear.

And then I kicked his damned ass out, of course, the bastard! 

But only after one more loving embrace... 

I know I can't do anything with him for a relation, not even for a sex- relation, same for him, I bet. Still, the 'fatal attraction' stays and I'm quite sure we will fuck again anyway, one of these weeks, or months, or years...

Even when we know each other too well...

In the meantime, there is still always Rush with Animate to become even crazier...

______________

July 20, 2014
From my story of last night:

"I know I can't do anything with him for a relation, not even for a sex relation, same for him, I bet, still, the 'fatal attraction' stays and I'm quite sure we will fuck again anyway, one of these weeks, or months, or years..."

Or, of course, one of these days, or nights, like, this one for example! ...

Seems he wasn't kidding when he told me last night in the hallway that he wanted to take me in a minute anyway... 

It became 'in almost exactly 24 hours'... 

Tell you later, must sleep now... or, cool down first then try to sleep.

Have a good evening, darling, and take care of yourself!

XXX!